Zombie Facts You Need to Know (comment box)

1.   Zombies were once regular Humans but they are a deviant form that occurs when they catch “the Zombie Virus”.

2.   The Zombie Virus itself, it seems, is transferred to a Human when a Zombie Bites them, thus causing excruciating pain and subsequently death. And after a still undetermined period of time, the once normal humans, morph into a Zombie themselves.

3.   A Zombie exists exclusively on a diet of raw Human flesh. They do not consume any other type of food, not other meats, vegetables, fruits, nothing but Human flesh.

4.   Zombies never drink any fluid, of any kind other than the incidental blood that they take in while devouring their normal human counterpart.

5.   Zombies never Urinate or Poop.

v  Hey, I just watched a number of the shows, covering a timeline of months and there was never an instance of a Zombie saying “excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom” or “Hold on a minutes guys, I gotta Pee”.

v  I have not even observed any Zombie Poop lying around on the streets.

v  And let’s admit it, these Zombies are not what you would call the neatest species we have observed, they eat and don’t even wipe their mouths, they have horrible dental care habits, and they always look disheveled, to say the least.

v So, a little Poop, lying around should be expected. Right?

6.   Zombies, once they become Zombies, have a very short lifespan.

v I make this assumption by applying our knowledge of the normal Humans that we have already studied.

v Normal humans must consume food and fluids regularly, and they will die of they do not get at least minimal amounts of both, within weeks and usually days.

v So, if Zombies are morphed Humans and they do not urinate or Poop, then they must die pretty much the same as the normal humans would, or most probably, explode, if they eat like I have seen so far.

7.   Zombies have absolutely no sense of style.

v Their attire is, and i am trying to be kind here, disheveled, wrinkled, torn, and always stained with other people’s blood.

v And, if you look closely, what they do wear, does not fit them well.

v So, we must assume that they just don’t care for fashion at all.

8.   Zombies do not talk or communicate in any way.

v They will follow another Zombie that they see walk by, with the hope that, the other Zombie is going to eat someone, and might share the humans body with them.

v Otherwise the only sounds they make are the occasional growling noises, and even these are rare.

9.   Zombies are very lazy.

v They tend to just lie around until a very stupid, normal human, walks by them. At which point, they will growl and rouse from their stupor and start their chase.

v Here, I must explain that Zombies are very slow and uncoordinated, so a Zombie chase is more of a lumbering walk in the general direction of whatever human roused them from their rest.

10.       Zombies are very uncoordinated and have a horrible sense of balance.

v They walk at a slow, stiff-legged pace, and often must even hold their arms out to maintain their balance.

11.       Zombies get absolutely no medical care, and I assume that they also are uninsurable.

v I mentioned their poor dental hygiene, but they often have limbs missing, eyes dangling from their eye sockets, no lips on their mouths, horrible teeth, and often substantial holes and cuts in their bodies.

v Some even walk around with broken bones jutting from their flesh.

12.        Zombies do have a pack-like code of honor in that they will not eat each other.

v They would rather die of starvation than attack or even say anything insulting to a fellow Zombie, much less eat another Zombie when hungry.

13.       Zombies have very strong jaw muscles.

v I am not sure if this is a result of the strange virus that turns them into Zombies, but they are able to rip enormous pieces of flesh from a normal human’s body in one bite. They never seem to chew their food, and just swallow large chunks before going in for another bite. A very unhealthy habit.

14.       Zombies have no dining etiquette at all.

v Once they have disabled a normal human, they then dine on the body, not with any form of eating utensil. They just continue to tear these large chunks of human flesh from the disabled body until they have eaten their fill.

Are zombies real? Will zombies be covered by universal healthcare? How do I know if that old flame from high school who keeps trying to ‘friend’ me on Facebook is a zombie? All are valid questions and this article will attempt to answer these and other zombie-related questions.

1.   A Brief History of the Zombie

Evidence of zombies dates back to the time of the Pharaohs. For centuries, legend had it that the Sphinx’s nose was broken off by a cannonball fired by Napoleon’s army during his Egyptian campaign (1789-1801). We now know, however, that the missing nose served as a warning to would-be grave robbers that the Valley of the Kings was inhabited by zombies. Zombies, whose diet consists primarily of human brains, typically access their victim’s craniums through the nasal cavities, and mummies, after all, are simply zombies with no fashion sense.

Although the historical record is sketchy, it is known that zombies flourished during “The Black Death” (1347) and other plagues that swept through Europe during the Middle Ages. Zombies eventually migrated to the U.S. via Haiti near the end of the 17th century. Many found New Orleans to their liking and some have theorized that the practice of above-ground burials in the Crescent City suited the zombies’ modus operandi. Others point to zombies’ well known love of jazz music.

2.   Zombie Healthcare

Will zombies be covered by the pending healthcare reform? At this time, no one knows for certain. However many have speculated that provisions for zombies could very well be included if special interest groups get their way. Helen Back, a spokesperson for the American Association for Undead People said, “Insurance companies classify zombiism as a pre-existing condition and routinely discriminate against the undead. Our organization will not support any reform that fails to address this injustice.” A spokesperson for the Obama administration has said that “the term ‘universal’ would, by definition, include zombies,” but opponents accuse the administration of pandering to the zombie vote.

HTML Comment Box is loading comments...