When it comes to the immortal
question of zombies vs. vampires, people are definitely divided into two camps.
On one side, you've got the folks who know in their hearts that zombies are
simply made of relentless, ravenous, undead awesome! And on the other side, you
have a bunch of tween girls and aging goths who still live with their parents.
But the purpose of this article isn't to malign the horribly misguided vampire
fans, but rather to prove impartially and with absolutely no bias that zombies
are WAY cooler!
Fashion Sense
Vampires are into capes. Maybe
that kind of accessorizing was sinister and intimidating back in the 1800s,
when vampires were last considered cool (or “the bee's knees,” as your
grandparents used to say). But these days, when you see someone wearing a cape,
you don't think, “Aaaiieee! Nosferatu!” You probably just assume it's someone
who's really into fantasy role playing games.
Zombies, on the other hand, wear
the clothes they died in or were buried in. Even though their clothing may be
tattered and stained with graveyard dirt, blood, and zombie juice, it will
still be more contemporary and fashionable than what the vampires are wearing.
Unless, of course, the zombie in question was really into fantasy role playing
games...
Winner: Zombies
Mental Focus
Zombies are single-minded and
driven in purpose, so much so that their vocabulary is pretty much limited to
one word: “Braaaaaains!” Once a zombie sets its mind on, well, eating your
mind, it can't be deterred and it can't be distracted. Your only hope of escape
is to kill the zombie or run faster than someone else with a tastier brain.
Vampires, however, are an
obsessive-compulsive mess who feel compelled to count things. One traditional
method of escaping from a vampire involves throwing a handful of seeds into its
path. The vampire simply can't resist stopping, picking up each seed, and
counting it. “One! One seed! Two! Two seeds! Muahahahaha! Three! Three
seeds...” Vampires are also unable to resist the urge of untying every single
knot they come across, so I can only assume most of them wear flip flops or
loafers with their capes.
Winner: Zombies
Vulnerabilities
Vampires are so fragile, it's a
wonder any of them survive their first week of being undead. They're afraid of
crosses and can be laid low by a slice of garlic toast. Holy water will burn
them, running water will disintegrate them, and a stake of wood to the heart
will cause them to explode into an unconvincing CGI effect. Sunlight may burn
them, or it may cause them to sparkle, which is lame beyond belief, but it
least it draws attention away from their capes.
Zombies are tough. They may be
walking sacks of rotting flesh, but they're darned hard to kill. Or rekill, as
the case may be. You can stab them, shoot them, dismember them, and even cut
off their heads, and they'll just keep coming (although, admittedly,
decapitation does tend to slow them down a little). The only way to put a
zombie down is a bullet or two in the brain pan.
Winner: Zombies
Powers
In addition to being immortal,
vampires have unnatural strength, enhanced sense, and mind control powers. They
can also walk on walls and ceilings, or assume the form of a bat, a wolf, or a
cloud of smoke.
Zombies, admittedly, get the
short end of the stick when it comes to supernatural abilities. Apart from
being hard to kill, they don't really get much in the way of power ups. So this
category should, technically, go to the vampires. However, I'm still bothered
by that whole “sparkling in the sunlight” thing, so I'm going to give it to the
zombies.
Winner: Zombies
So there you have it. Empirical
evidence that zombies are cooler than vampires. So the next time someone tries
to tell you different, you can cite the examples in this article and prove them
wrong. Or you can simply point and laugh at their cape.
They're Harder to Kill
Despite
the fact that vampires are often pictured as super fast and super strong
killing machines, the bottom line is given the right scenario, they are even
more vulnerable than humans. Sun, fire, decapitation, and wood through the
heart all kill vampires. Zombies have to have their brains destroyed to truly
kill them; otherwise, you can light the sucker on fire and throw him in a
tanning booth and he'll still keep coming.
They Don't
Give a Crap About You
Almost every modern vampire is
either torn between their need for food and life and the fact that they really
want people to like them. That or they are so evil they actually want to hurt
you before they eat you. Zombies couldn't give a care in the world about you.
They aren't evil, they don't formulate plots, they're just hungry and you're on
the menu. Offering to be their friend if they don't nibble on your ankle won't
do you any good.
They Don't Try to Hide
What I mean by this is twofold. First, they don't try and assimilate with
the general population. They aren't trying to pass as a regular person. Zombies
are here, they're hungry, and you'd better get used to it. They also don't go
to the trouble of jumping out from behind a corner or flamboyantly arise from
the shadows. You know they are there; avoid them if you can, they don't care.
It's Easier for Them to Reproduce
Of course I don't mean that zombies are bumping uglies. Vampires, according to most stories, have to go through an elaborate process where they drain their victims almost completely, then have to open a vein and have their victims drink their blood. Zombies bite you ANYWHERE and you are about to join the party.If you and your family want to survive the Zombie Apocalypse, you'll need to arm yourselves with knowledge. And a sawed-off shotgun. BOOM BOOM!
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